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rennlei

becoming misanthropic.
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Well, since I've ushered in a new era of sorts, I figured I should at least update my journal. This is hardly fanfare, but rather a quiet waving of the hand in greeting.
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"If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?" --Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, The Gulag Archipelago

Love this quote. I'm posting it as a journal entry mostly so I can remember it. I find all these fabulous things on the internetz, but forget them so often. D:

Wonder what this quote means to all of you fabulous readers? Please comment on what it means to you (but only if you want to).

(P.S. Extra bonus brownie points if you already know who Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn is! :D I did a report on him last year, it was fantastic. Everyone else did, like, JFK or Elvis or Malcolm X. While those are all wonderful choices, I did pride myself on choosing somebody who WASN'T an uber-obvious choice.)


(P.P.S HBD DANIIII!! :D And Chekov says HAAAAIII and Bones says DAMMIT JIM.)
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So, this is a variant on the 11 Things meme I did a while back. I have some more to say.

12. I don't know what I want to say to you. Do you know, I've thought about you so much? Each one of you. I'm serious. I've thought about you almost every day. And I feel like I'm recovering, but maybe... maybe recovering isn't the right word? Maybe it's more like an old cut, bleeding and infected, that's scabbing over with ugly yellow pus. And now the pus is turning to a shiny, tight red layer of damaged skin. You weren't there for that, even! I'm sort of glad, for the same reasons I'm embarrassed when I remember you (because I'm remembering me.). And I'm sure you're all gorgeous and fabulous and high-flyers, and whatnot, because that's what you are and who you are. Isn't it? I wonder if you're like the guys I knew, or if you're different. You won't ever read this, and I'm glad. I did see YOU, though, and you-- you haven't changed a bit! I was stunned. You're the same. And I'm the same, too, which makes me sad. It's like-- like Rose, trapped in her parallel world, only if the Doctor weren't so wonderful, and she saw bits of him over and over. It means the wound can't close, and it continues to bleed anew each day. But do I really want it to close? Because that means accepting that you're gone and I'm gone and that we're both gone, that we're living only in our own worlds. Which is how it should be, technically speaking. But it still hurts.

13. You're right.

But it pisses me off that you said it. I mean... yeah, whatever, but I KNOW already. You don't need to remind me. I'm trying not to swear, because I'm pissed OFF at you. Lazy ass. I do wonder.

14. AAAAAAAAAAAARGH. GROW FREAKING UP AND FIGURE OUT HOW TO SUCCEED IN POLITE SOCIETY. SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO WHACK YOU IN THE FACE.

And I will say no more.







THAT WAS CATHARTIC. AGAIN.
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See, with the title, you have to sing it to the tune of YMCA.

*makes  hand motions*

MY LIFE ACCORDING TO COLDPLAY.

Pick your artist:
Coldplay

Are you a male or female:
Yes

(This answer, and this question, made me laugh, because my first reaction to a yes or no question like this is actually to say YES, and then it turns out the Coldplay song Yes actually answers this question quite well! :D yay for... yay for awesomesauce.)

Describe yourself:
Cemeteries of London

How do you feel:
Prospekt's March/Poppyfields

Describe where you currently live:
either Low or Amsterdam

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
Talk

Your favourite form of transportation:
Death and All His Friends

You and your best friends are:
either White Shadows or Strawberry Swing

What’s the weather like:
Politik

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
Speed of Sound

What is life to you:
Fix You

Your relationship:
Square One

Your fear:
either God Put A Smile Upon Your Face or Trouble

What is the best advice you have to give:
Swallowed In the Sea

Thought for the day:
Life in Technicolor

How I would like to die:
either Now My Feet Won't Touch the Ground, or Proskept's March/Poppyfields

My soul’s present condition:
either Now My Feet Won't Touch the Ground or Cemeteries of London

My motto:
either Viva la Vida or Lost

What are you going to call this post:
WHATEVER THE HELL I FEEL LIKE IT. (that's not a Coldplay song, in case you're wondering xD)

Seriously, people, Coldplay is the best thing to hit this planet within one hundred thousand millennia. Besides me, of course, xD

HumanShapeshifter, Taleah, and LarkSprite: GIVE ME A TELEPHONE CALL, YOU.
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Gah, I don't really want to take my world-meme off the front of my page, 'cos I love it so much, but I couldn't resist this little bugger. Sometimes it's fun to have no willpower. xD

11 THINGS.

The Rules:

-list 11 things you want to say to 11 different people.
- don't say who they pertain to.
- feel free to comment, but don't confirm or answer anything. If you know who it is, shut your trap. If you have a guess as to who it is, shut your trap. I mean, I say that with love, but nonetheless: shut the trap.
- never discuss it again. EVER. Ever ever ever.

1. You alternate between being lovable and annoying. There have been times that I have not been able to STAND you, but other times, I love you more than anything else. Now that we've had some distance, I find myself seeing only your lovable side. I do worry that as soon as I see you in person again, the irritation will pop up again. I've wondered if that's my fault or yours. It's a habit I have: if I spend too much time with somebody, I often start to see only their annoying side. You're not the first person it's happened to. I used to want to say awful things to you because you pissed me off so much, but now I'm glad I never said them. I love you too much right now. Hopefully it'll stay that way.

2. I'm so glad I met you! I always have so much fun around you. I hope that you can continue to put up with me, and I hope I haven't ever been TOO annoying, because I know I went through more than a few phases where I must have been unbearable. But I hope that I am, now, a person you like even more, because I've done a fair amount of maturing, and I hope that we can continue to be friends for a long, long, LOOOONG time. I never get tired of you. I hope you feel the same for me.

3. You're a peculiar one, you are. I've let go of you much more than someone else who was in a situation much like yours, but I haven't forgotten about you. I do tend to do the same things over and over; maybe they're not mistakes, per se, but I am definitely a creature full of patterns, even if they're only apparent to me (maybe I'm flattering myself). I wonder if you were the first to fall prey, or if maybe it was inevitable. Maybe it was all me, or maybe it was you, but I really do think that it was us both. I'm not sure just how much I regret what I did. At the time, I was sure that I was regretful but not apologetic; for a fleeting day I understood the difference. Now I struggle to remember the distinction which had, once, seemed so clear to me. Regardless, at this point in time, I have come to accept that things are what they are, and I wouldn't change them, and I don't miss you, but I do remember you. I remember you with a neutral sense, lucky for you. I don't want you to come back and I don't despise you (although I did for a while, remember that? I think it was mutual). I know you've forgotten me. But the summer was magical, wasn't it? September was beautiful. But see, now, time is cruel. I've forgotten how long it was. I wonder what happened. There was so much hope, wasn't there? Sometimes I wonder if I've buried not you, but something you are a part of, beneath miles and miles of black earth. Sometimes I wonder if I'll wake up a lesbian one day because of that burial. September can't come soon enough for my social life.

4. I don't have much to say to you. I would never say this in real life, but I... here, under the cloak of anonymity, maybe I can. I wouldn't have the courage to tell you this, or the nerve, or the desire to break your heart (because I know this would). Only one living soul knows about this... well, technically, three if you count me. One doesn't know much, but might know more than they let on; the second knows a fair amount, and the third, me, knows all of it. Maybe we're all just dancing under a thin, poorly disguised lie. I wonder how much you've picked up on this. I don't think you have at all. Which I am glad about, I am. It would kill me if you knew, because I know that it would kill you. So I'm not even going to say it here, because this is a secret I've sworn that I would take to my grave. I've failed in two ways, but I still won't record it here.

5. Poser. Posy posy posy posy pooooooserrrrrrrrr. Posed like a school picture. Full of lies and imitations, that's what you are. When are you going to grow up? I hope that you learn about the Polaroid and stop trying to be all pretty and perfect for the photograph of lies.

6. I wonder what you're doing right now? I feel really guilty about everything. And the guilt makes me feel guiltier. I wish you'd replied. I hope you got it. I wish we hadn't downgraded our phone. I hate bills. I hate money. I hate the lack of it. I wish I had been more attentive, and then maybe this wouldn't have happened: maybe you wouldn't be thousands of miles away, thinking that you're dead to me.

7. There's such a magic in thinking about the road not taken, isn't there? If I'd stayed, maybe we would have been best friends. We might have even been more. I wish I'd emailed you. I hate myself for not. I hate myself for not taking the opportunity when it was given to me, even though there may never even have been one. That was an amazing evening. The cigarette smoke-- SNL! Every single night, really? We would've grown up and it might have been perfect. But then I think about it and there was absolutely no way it was going to happen. Absolutely none. I mean, if I think about it, we shouldn't have even met. It was one of the worst things that happened to her that we met. Not directly, I mean. But I think about her and I feel guilty that I wish it was a different  way, and I think about her and I feel guilty for even wishing and feel guilty for even thinking. And then I banish you from my mind, because I'm here now and that's the way it's supposed to be. I should've always been here. You were, and could have been, the upside in a series of horrible mistakes. We could've been everything! We could've been a fairytale, a storybook, we could've been fantastic. We could've been the best set of two (as a couple, as friends, whatever, it's a detail) that there ever was. But like I said: there is absolutely no way it could've been. My last memory of you is interesting. It's tainted by my own emotions: it's really something that happened to me, and you were (literally) on the sidelines. But you're there, and you were a twirling airplane, and I was thinking something about it. She held my hand as we walked away and as you were joyful in the background, unknowing of what was happening to me. It couldn't have ever been. I think you know that. I wonder what kind of person you are. I don't know, and that scares me! You said that you were a color in a different type of palette. But whatever you are, whatever color you are, whatever path we could have gone on together, it wouldn't have happened. If we stayed for you I'd be a lot worse off. I can't see things working out any other way, but I wish that they had ended sooner, even though it pains me to say that. Even though... it would have killed her even more than it did if we'd stayed. I just found out about that, did you know? I just found out a few months ago about how much she was dying. Every day, she was stabbed through the heart. Her scars are more than I can imagine. I do wonder if there is any hope for me. Do you know what happened? Do you even know? You don't. And I'm not mad at you for that. We took great pains so that you wouldn't. She did, technically. And no one will ever know. No one. So you'll stay there, wrapped away, in a book about all the missed possibilities.

8. You probably have them all wrapped around your little finger, like you did when I knew you. I mean, before you all graduated. I wonder what they look like. I wonder what you look like. You're probably stunning. Did you ever flesh out? I saw that you'd worked with him on a poster. It was in the cafeteria. Is that where you graduated? Did you have a dance? Were they tripping over themselves to get to you? I'm glad I'm not there anymore, but it hurts so bad that I'm away and that I missed all of it. Bet you a million they forgot me before I even left. Did she ever actually move away? So many questions. You all are never far from my mind. Never. You have about a six-foot leash, tied tightly to my heartstrings.

9. I'd like to tell you that you're a hypocrite. That you need to stop letting me pop up everywhere. I've waited so long for an opportunity to tell you these things, and so many millions more, but now I can't bring myself to. I'm paranoid about you. But maybe I hate you so much because I hate myself. Hate is a strong word; too strong, definitely. If I were to spill out my soul regarding you there would be a novel and a half written, but we'll stick with this. It's actually hard for me to say blatantly negative things to anyone other than myself, even if they're not about me. (Surprised?) So, not out of kindness, you are spared. I spare you. Are you happy? No, you're not. You're never happy. And maybe it's legitimate, sometimes, but otherwise it's a lie.

10. I'm scared of you. I'm looking forward to meeting you, so much, but there is a huge part of me dreading each moment that drags me closer to you, because of the finality of it all. I've said so many goodbyes, and it will be hard to say hello to some and not others.

11. Sorry for not emailing you!! I can't believe I was so stupid. I had you in the palm of my hand and then you were killed with detergent! At least, I think. That might be an old excuse that I've come to believe as true. We had so much fun! Where are you? Would you be happy to hear from me? Probably not. You've probably forgotten about me. But I haven't forgotten you! Where are you?

Aaaah, done! Feels nice, now. :D I do give you permission to comment, but please respect that this is personal and that these people are probably NOT who you think they are.

I tag everybody, but it's okay if you don't. :D I do wish that you can find relief from this as I did.

(My thumb hurts D: )

[edit, later today: I've added some stuff because this is so freaking cathartic.]
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